Sindy

GOD never lets go

2010-05-04T01:32:00.001-07:00

Even when life throws or bends us in seriously ridiculous ways that cause us to stretch or to feel pain, God is there holding us. Not always in ways we think but he is holding us all the same. Life may feel chaotic but i bet it looks like a beautiful dance which was the inspiration for this little video. Enjoy and may it speak deep to your soul!

Never Let Go by David Crowder
Great Chinese State Circus doing Swan Lake

David Crowder Song... my new fav worship song

2010-05-03T21:37:00.000-07:00

This song brings me peace almost instantly. Here is the video link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJyW55AXJAk

O How He Loves Us

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

Trusting in the Silence and Pain

2009-02-27T22:24:00.000-08:00

Over a month ago I had a dream that left my heart unsettled. Brought up mostly good things from the past that left nothing but question marks. I have been struggling with these thoughts for too long. I desperately trust God but He is so mysterious sometimes and it makes me wonder about our hearts desires, his desires and timing. Anyway this song and then following verse settled my heart enough to try to keep focus on Him. To put those big things in His hands and continue to learn to trust more... even if it only lasts for a few minutes.

I Believe In Love

By the Barlow Girls

How long will my prayers seem unanswered?

Is there still faith in me to reach the end?

I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith

But giving up would cost me everything

So I'll stand in the pain and silence

And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining

I believe in love even when I don't feel it

And I believe in God even when He is silent

And I, I believe

Though I can't see my stories ending

That doesn't mean the dark night has no end

It's only here that I find faith

And learn to trust the one who writes my days

So I'll stand in the pain and silence

And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining

I believe in love even when I don't feel it

And I believe in God even when He is silent

And I, I believe

No dark can consume Light

No death greater than this life

We are not forgotten

Hope is found when we say

Even when He is silent

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining

I believe in love even when I don't feel it

And I believe in God even when He is silent

And I, I believe.

Luke 12:22-29 (The Message)
Steep Yourself in God-Reality

22-24He continued this subject with his disciples. "Don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or if the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your inner life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the ravens, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, carefree in the care of God. And you count far more.

25-28"Has anyone by fussing before the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? If fussing can't even do that, why fuss at all? Walk into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They don't fuss with their appearance—but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. If God gives such attention to the wildflowers, most of them never even seen, don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you?

29-32"What I'm trying to do here is get you to relax, not be so preoccupied with getting so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don't be afraid of missing out. You're my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself.

The Joy Of the Contemplative Life

2009-02-25T02:16:00.000-08:00

Lately, I am experiencing true and overwhelming bursts of joy. This joy is not just from happy moments but a delight in what God is up to overall. It comes from living in the present as much as possible so that I can experience God's presence. As I do my gratitude has increased substantially and my desire for more lessens. The author Mark Yaconelli has really encouraged me into this space. Well actually his son's story (4 year old) actually started this life changing journey. It is worth the read so here is the link.

http://www.ymsp.org/resources/slowclub.html

Here are some quotes from his book Contemplative youth ministy that best describe what is going on within me...

"Contemplation means "being" with God within the reality of the present moment. Contemplation is about presence. It's about attentiveness - opening our eyes to God, ourselves and others. Contemplation is an attitude of the heart, an all embracing hospitality to what is. Contemplation is a natural human disposition. It's the way in which we appoached the world as children: vulnerable, open , and awake to the newness of the present moment.

We've all experienced being contemplatively present. Even as our adult minds become distracted and burdened with worry, we still receive times of contemplation, times of simple presence. These are unrehearsed moments when a deep sense of gratitude falls upon us and we find ourselves without need or want, satisfied and reverent at the Mystery of life. They are moments when we feel alive to people and situations before us. Like love, contemplative awareness is not something we acheive; rather it comes as a gift, simply to be received.

Ignatius of Loyola reffered to contemplation as "seeing God in all things." Brother Lawerence called it "the pure loving gaze that finds God everywhere." Jean Pierre de Causade defined contemplation as "the sacrament of the present moment." Teresa of Avila referred to this experience as "Awareness absorbed and amazed."

...These definitions of contemplation, I believe, are descriptions of how Jesus was present to others. He engaged people with openness and honesty, unafraid to take a "long loving look at the real" - at the people and situations he encountered."

The best part is God has always been nudging me into this sweet spot. Every year, my dry and weary body is dragged to someone that offers this contemplative drink but every year I have wandered away again. The past couple years God has kept me in it for longer and longer periods. This past year, I have not sucumbed to absolute burn out because of it. It is the key to life in my opinion. It is to be led by the Spirit, to rely on God's strength and to rest in stillness before the ONE.

I still have moments when I am distracted, start to falter and feel the stress and anxiety return. I have become so aware of the difference that it does not take long to stop what I am doing because I know something is wrong and refocus on God. Like Mark says " being aware of God in the present moment is always a struggle. We live a complex age that demands that we multi-task. We grow up trained to attend to many commitments at once. Our minds and imaginations often drift toward the future or dwell in the past. Yet is there any greater gift we experience in this life than that of another person's full attention? Is there anything more loving than to be fully see or heard by another? Didn't most of us become Christians when we sensed that God was present to us?"

I wish I was better at not getting distracted but I take encouragement from some wise words given to me from Amy..."i got real encouragement from psalm 23 again this weekend that just came to mind that may help... just concerning any kind of shadows in life...the message was about how they are always going to be there. and the object was not to get rid of them or try to control them (striving to figure out the unknown) but rather once again about looking to the shepherd that leads us to righteousness. and shadows always look and appear way bigger then they actually are...which is just a lie." It is all about seeing that He is God and I am not.
"The more we receive in silent prayer, the more we can give in our active life. We need silence to be able to touch souls. The essential thing is not what we say, but what God says to us and through us. All our words are useless unless they come from within. Words which do not give the Light of Christ increase the darkness." Mother Teresa of Calcutta

Purpose and Questions

2008-11-11T22:14:00.000-08:00

Missions has been a large theme in my life lately... the last year and a bit. I feel the call to be more than someone who gets comfy in the church atmosphere... to not just find enough warm fuzzies from serving in the Christian community and feel like I am living out my grand purpose. I have been reading this book Live Life On Purpose by Claude Hickman. It is driving me nuts because some questions that I have been asking long term but have managed to file away because I have no answers. Well now they are published and staring at me in the face. Teasing me ... "we are not going away". Not only the book but there are all these people and situations that keep adding to the same itch. There is more to life than what I am living...

"I planned my life around the things that God was silent about instead of what He was clear about in his wrod. I was on the wrong path, not because the path was bad, but because God has designed me for another great journey. I resolved that to walk a"good" path, but not God's, was in end a wasted life. Many students I talk to are lcinging to old maps that they have for their lives... The maps are leading toward the destination of riches, security, fame, pleasure, status and the praise of men. The status quo of getting a job, getting married, having 2.5 kids, the picket fence, two cars, going to church on Sundays... it is not bad, but has little to do with the journey that God is laying out for us to join. For some, their map is even an old calling from God that they can't let go of. When you learn new facts about the world and new insights into how God is moving, you must be willing to hear a new calling from God and let him give you a new map... People get trapped by their maps. ...People begin to invest so much in the form of time and energy in their degrees, careers, advancements, and positions that there is no freedom to make a "full withdrawal". ... One reason we cling to our maps is the map is secure... we may have a great map but if it is the wrong destination, we lose in the end."

The other thing that has really been bothering me but I am so engrossed in because its apart of our culture is consumerism. It has plagued our churches... to the point that we church shop based on how much we like the preacher or music, how much we are entertained and meets our needs. Going to the 2/3 world... there is such a different picture of church community that sticks together no matter what and lives life together daily in a truer faith and dependance than I see here. So why are we going to them to do missions? Maybe we need them more.

Another thing that is bothering me is how eveything in church seems so much done in our own knowledge and skill and schedule. Where is room for the Supernatural? Are we being led by the Holy Spirit? I don't feel anyone encouraging or challenging me in this department. I am trying to challenge my youth but I am such a poor example. As it is so easy to lvie out what is being modelled.

Also I feel as challenged by our youth theme this year... Be The Change. If I expect my youth do this but how am I doing it first. I am not. Well maybe a littl but not to my potential. This isn't a not doing enough to earn my God's love guilt either but a deep desire for more than what i am living. There has to be more than this... but am I willing to go through the discipline and suffering that comes with more? So far as much as I want to say yes, the answer is obvious as i make little effort to increase my studies or get off the couche at night.

God help me!

Word from God Through Israel for me

2008-04-12T00:38:00.000-07:00

Isaiah 41:8-13 (New Living Translation)

8 “But as for you, Israel my servant,
Jacob my chosen one,
descended from Abraham my friend,
9 I have called you back from the ends of the earth,
saying, ‘You are my servant.’
For I have chosen you
and will not throw you away.
10 Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

11 “See, all your angry enemies lie there,
confused and humiliated.
Anyone who opposes you will die
and come to nothing.
12 You will look in vain
for those who tried to conquer you.
Those who attack you
will come to nothing.
13 For I hold you by your right hand—
I, the Lord your God.
And I say to you,
‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.

If you read this, please pray for me often and reguarily... just cause I always need it!

My Heart's Cry

2008-01-08T00:01:00.000-08:00

<strong>I Need You To Love Me Lyrics
Artist(Band):Barlow Girl

Why? Why are you still here with me?
Didn't you see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run,
And hide myself.
Yeah, but it's here I see the truth,
I don't deserve you.

But I need you to love me,
And I, I won't keep my heart from you this time.
And I'll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing you away from me.
I just never saw how you
could cherish me.
Cause you're a God who has all things,
and still you want me.

And I need you to love me,
And I, I won't keep my heart from you this time.
And I'll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have

Yeah, ye-ea-eah

Your love makes me forget what I have been.
Your love makes me see who I really am.
Your love makes me forget what I have been, oh-oh.

And I need you to love me, yeah
I need you to love me, ye-ea-eah!
And I'll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me, yeah
I need you to;
oh oh oh oh eo (x4)
Love me, love me, yah

Sindy land

2007-08-16T10:36:00.000-07:00

Ministry is an interesting subject...one that I am not sure I can flesh out in an email or even in an hour talk. I will try though. I have a great job here. I don't have to fight for much except with parents from time to time... i dislike most adults I have learned as they make life harder than it needs to be. (Me inculded) Ha ha! Its not a normal run you off your feet youth position... I work 40 hrs max a week usually. We have full youth once every two weeks, missions training running for 6 months on the opposite week and with nothing really in the summer except Creation Fest. Sounds nice huh?? And I am allowed to drink alcohol and show just about any movie I want. Its a different world I am living in thats for sure. They trust me immensely, they give me almost everything I ask for, I never have to ask for a raise, they put up with me emotions, I take time off and no one keeps track, I can drink alcohol and show any movie I want. The council asked for requests for extra money they have received. I put a bunch of suggests in thinking I would get one or two and they gave me all of them… its crazy. No one on council or staff is ever questioning me or asking for a list of how I spend my time… they paid for counseling for me. Every review I have had has been to encourage me and make sure I am happy. Now the ministry side of things is different but I am quite thankfully in awe of the job portion.

I m learning to not take things so seriously... failing miserably by the way. To allow kids the freedom to misbehave a little so they actually get a chance to live and not be pinned down by so many rules. To say is it really the end of the world if so and so falls into this or that... probably not... they'll learn the hard way just like me. My church is teaching me about the importance of living in grace and not morality, to look after the enviroment to be a witness, that social justice is as important as evangelism and that salvation is a today thing not just about eternity. Personally, I am finding that life is about simple trust in God, prayer, loving people and keeping it simple and fun-ish... not much else matters. My days of keeping myself insanely busy are over for now...it really doesn't matter if the database system is up to date or my filing is done or the youth closet is organized... spending good time with God and people is what brings me joy and the rests rarley gets noticed by anyone else. Acrually I prett much stopped doing lots of admin things and no one said a word. The best thing I have done for myself and others was to stop playing ministry like a business and live off this one question..."If Jesus had my life, my talents, my personality, etc what would he do with it?" It has wrecked me though... both in a good way and in a way that has me in perpetual struggle.

To be honest I am sort of bored of youth ministry... the fundraisers, the youth conferences, the parent's meeting, what should the small group discussions be about this year, fall camp planning, missions trips... its the same over and over. The challenge is waning for me. I question the effectiveness of all these things in my church. So much admin time for such a small amout of event time. Paying someone to look after the youth when the whole church should be investing in those little lives. So much run off talent and charisma.

Not to mention for a completely human view, I miss the days of being the one looking to the leader and having the fun. I would love to be out from under the microscope, not over worrying about negative comments made and not having youth ministry be the topic of all my face to face conversations.

Boy I sound whiny.... hee hee. I am not sure where all these feelings are going.... either I need an attitude adjustment... if so I am sure God's gentle kick in the backside is coming soon. Or I need a change of some sort.... I miss feeling really passionate about ministry and being a part of something that seems so big that only God could be doing it. I find church to be run mostly in man's strength and i miss the awe of watching the Holy Spirit doing wonderous things in a group of people. People hearing God ask them to do risky things and instead of oragnizing a committee to logically decline it.... just jump into obedience. I haven't been in a church enviroment fora long while that prays more than talking about desicions.... actually they rarely pray... mostly we just work. I miss spending hours praying with someone in need... waiting with them until God reveals something. I miss seeing people find real freedom not the kind they manufacture out of their own self will... true healing.

Wow this is sounding really depressing.... Really I am not. I am just longing... longing for more... more of something that is real and powerful. Does this make any sense? I often think I should take a break but then the next day something happens where I think I must be crazy to leave such a good job. Also I have no idea what else to do. I am not scared... if God told me to go.. I'd be gone. Actuallty i have tried a few times already but I am still here. So instead I wait... trusting God is orchestrating something grand no matter where it is. I'd would like to travel and laugh more... those are my only present goals other than be still and know He is God. Maybe I will end up being wild and give up my job to bum around europe as a nanny or something equally and gloriously dull. God knows.

New Found Freedom

2007-05-14T03:26:00.000-07:00

ahhhh i can't blog it... but you need to ask me!

Reminds me of PEMC boys

2007-03-22T20:22:00.000-07:00

Can't you just see Trevor, Nolan, Nathan and Mike doing this with Jono video taping it....

Ode to the ugly clown box

2007-03-17T01:37:00.000-07:00

There once was a girl named Faye,
To which the ugly clown box went to stay,
She rejected the gift so flipantly,
Sent packin' with a Faye paper rant-ly,
But back to her it'll go one day

Things that have passed

2007-02-27T23:17:00.000-08:00

1. I took Faye to the airport today. What a great lady! I enjoyed having her around. She has such a great laugh and is very wise. It would have been fun to have her for another weekend. But I was blessed by our time even if she did sing the dreaded song but i got her back by leaving a present in her suitcase.

2. I had my first phone interview for the youth ministry consultant job tonight... FINALLY. I think it went well but I am just trusting God for it. I feel peaceful about it most times.

3. Tomorrow is the last day I will share my name with a staff member. It is Cindy's, our church secretary, last day. We are going for lunch together. Things at work are really changing.

Reason to Live

2007-02-17T01:20:00.001-08:00

God Does Have a Sense of Humour

2007-02-14T16:38:00.000-08:00

So today is valentine's day. I have long ago gotten over the shame of being single expecially on days like today. Today this is no different. Yet today I woke up sad... this phenomemon has been increasing daily since Sunday for no apparent reason. I wonder if I am getting sick... the flu has been going around. Later I read a directional statement our church put together for apporval. They list all the staff but me... this is not the first i have been forgetten or ignored at my workplace. I feel lonely, left out, dejected. It brings up the continous feeling of not belonging (by the way the directional statement was about making people feel like they belong at our church - I half smile at the irony). Tonight we have to discuss it. Sigh! So I feel more down than I woke up. I decide the best thing to do is to read some scripture for encouragement. This is what I read...

Ecclesiastes 4:7->
I turned my head and saw yet another wisp of smoke on its way to nothingness: a solitary person, completely alone ... It's better to have a partner than go it alone. Share the work, share the wealth. And if one falls down, the other helps, But if there's no one to help, tough! Two in a bed warm each other. Alone, you shiver all night.

It made me laugh. It was completely impractical and unhelpful for me. It could depress a single person on valentine's day but it made me laugh.

TRUST is true FAITH

2007-02-08T12:05:00.000-08:00

"I've also concluded that whatever God does, that's the way it's going to be, always. No addition, no subtraction. God's done it and that's it. That's so we'll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear. " Eccl 3

The concept of not asking God questions has come up a few times in my devotions... Is God telling my to shut up? Not that I believe God doesn't want us to ask questions but He wants so much more and it goes beyond even just me being quiet to listen to Him.

The more I examine my life - the more the realization springs up that I have trust issues when it comes to God. I definately have a belief in Him and I definately love Him. I trust Him but only mostly. How can I tell? Well it is easy to state I trust God but my life in action does not often mirror that trust. Frustration, confusion, control and anger issues arise on a weekly basis. This of course is not a new realization for me. I work with youth and they point it out your inconsistanties incessantly and it humbles me. But the problem is that I am not getting over it even though I know it.

This is where these verses convict me. It is not just a relationship of communication with God... the act of talking and listening but the action of worshipping in holy fear. He is God and I am not. Its the realization that what is going to happen will happen. I can not stop it or control it or manipulate it. Evangelical church has always stressed so much about how WE need to refrain from sin and WE need to serve and WE need to grow in our relationship with God and WE need to evangelize... then with the quick but often too short addition of in HIS strength not our own. Because of this I feel like I am constantly searching and working to make things happen for God. There is this constant drive and fear about pleasing God. But true worship is not about 'WE' or even our work. Its about trusting He is in the good, bad and ugly of our lives and we work as we see HIM working. WE don't need to make these things happen but trust that He will and worship him. That is such a great gift of freedom. God doesn't need my striving... He wants me to stop and see HIM working in all His Glorious power. Gain trust from what I see and then work in the contentment that HE will get HIS way in the end no matter what. It is something my dutch friends here seem to understand... they have grown up in it. Although I do fear that you can trust so much that you can stop working.

I know this seems terribly obvious. Spiritual things once written down often lose their depth. Maybe this is because reading offers knowledge but often doesn't cause us to fully acknowledge the wisdom by living it out. I am not sure.

Actual Joy and Thanksgiving

2007-02-05T01:52:00.000-08:00

It was a good weekend. Nothing too extraoridnary but one without drama. These dramaless weekends are rare in my life but recently are happening more often than not. Exciting? YES! I love it. So I am going to praise God for all the things that made me smile this weekend...
1. I survive someone forcing me to go to the gym
2. I got to go into Vancouver on the skytrain with my friend and colleque Dave. There I met someone new who taught me new and interesting things about addiction.
3. I am reading this fantastic and interesting book that was suggested to me called the emotionally heathly church that is helping me to recgonized some issues that I need to deal with. While this sounds like it should be depressing, I am actually at a good place where I want to deal with some things head on so I can get past them.
4. I ate ice cream!
5. Our mexico team took Drime training - it is mime to music. So much fun! We bonded and got over our self consciousness. I got to participate instead of having to be the boss. Seriously so much fun and a great work out. My butt hurts so bad!
6. No one said anything hurtful this morning at church. Actually everyone was really nice.
7. The Calgary Flames won the hockey game against the Vancouver Canucks which gave me bragging rights all day long. I even did a victory dance and was distruptive during the service over it. Hee hee - these dutchies will never get used to me.
8. OOOO they had someone doing actual pottery during the sermon to demonstrate the whole potter and clay thing. So cool!
9. I finally got rid of two big and heavy peices of furniture today. Oh and a hot and nice stranger helped take them away too.
10. I had fun at youth - i started a broomstick war and this absolutely startled and thrilled the boys in my group as i tried to thrash them with sticks. Actually one of the leaders gave them heck for it and was astonished that i had started it. I like to keep them guessing. It may have got out of hand because the pastor got whacked on purpose ( I told them to do that too). Hee hee. All the metal broomsticks were broken by the end of the night. If it wasn't so much fun, i might feel guilty about the waste of them but the bonding was worth every dollar!
11. I had several wonderful conversations with young people where I felt like I was actually helpful.

The "?"

2007-02-01T23:30:00.000-08:00

To keep you up to date...

Still in the running

They are meeting on Feb 11 th so pray pray pray!

Am I Spider Man?

2007-01-26T22:50:00.000-08:00

So I am leading my youth group through the theme of "You Don't Need a Cape to be a Hero". We have been watching clips from Super Hero movies and discussing different topics in small groups.

Side Note: For those who don't know, watching movies is a very sacred space for me. I find comfort, understanding and insight for life through them. Its the place where I hear from God the most... yes even more than at church. So I tend to retreat to them when I am in need or I head by my lonesome to the threatre for a date night with the Big Guy or as Cara and I renamed him Guido (long story and only amusing to us).

So anyway, yesterday I was sitting in my living room looking for the right clip for my small group discussion next week. I vaguely remebered that the second spiderman movie had something simliar to what I was looking for. So I plugged it in and began to watch it.

As I watched it, I don't think I have ever connected and identified with a main character before as I did with Peter. I have been struggling for months about how to be both Sindy the person and Pastor Sindy. Giving of my time, my life, etc to ministry has definately limited my own life. I had no idea what this sacrifice would mean - I somehow naively assumed that serving God would bring a natural satisfaction. Not that it doesn't bring some satisfaction but the scarifice lately seems really large with little pay off. Sigh... this is hard to explain and sounds really selfish and whiny but there is so much more to it.

In the movie, Peter was having a hard time keeping his regular job and relationships because being Spiderman was really interfering with them. The friciton came from wanting something for himself and giving up everything for the sake of others. I have felt this way often in the last few months. I spent a majority of my time investing in other people's families and other people's lives... hoping to make their lives better and more understandable. I love doing this but the truth is I am starting to notice that no one is really investing that way in me. So my output level is much higher than my input level. I have future visions of these happy big families meeting together and then envision myself old, alone and forgotten. I don't want to look back on my life and wish I had enoyed my own life more. I know investing in eternal things is much better than the temporary ones of this world. But I guess I would still honestly like something of my own. I believe that people are important and thus why I want to remain someone who continues to walk through the messiness of life with them. But when do I become important enough to get some of my own happiness back? I guess I shouldn't complain as I have shelter and food and enough to live comfortably but it seems so oridnary. We are promised a full and abudant life right?

I am not sure if this selfish thought process comes from being at a job where I am finding little meaning or community. Maybe it has been an underlying problem for a while... an unhealthly identity based too much in helping others. Is it a sign that my relationship with God is not in a great place or is it something else...I am unsure. Is it still apart of grieving the lose of my great youth group from Parkdale that would be an amazing young adults minstry by now. These people who are still family but distance definately interfers.

I did not find the answer as I watched the movie but enjoyed watching another person (even though fictional) go through the same emotions. He somehow found how to be both Peter Parker and Spiderman... but I didn't find tha movie explined how very well. Maybe he just gave into being Spiderman. Can I be both Sindy and Spindy-man? Lol corny i know! If I do will I find both meaning and joy? These are the questions that plague me as I wonder what to do next.

A Week of Food

2007-01-24T23:58:00.000-08:00

I have had a yummy week - great food and great company. I love one on one meetings so much!! I should get to do them more. I especially loved eating Thai tonight... mmmmm green curry. This may seem like a silly post but really these things are bringing a smile to my face. That smile has been missing for almost 2 months. YAY for smiles.

A Prophet without Honour

2007-01-23T13:09:00.000-08:00

Mark 6
A Prophet Without Honor
1Jesus left there and went to his hometown, accompanied by his disciples. 2When the Sabbath came, he began to teach in the synagogue, and many who heard him were amazed. "Where did this man get these things?" they asked. "What's this wisdom that has been given him, that he even does miracles! 3Isn't this the carpenter? Isn't this Mary's son and the brother of James, Joseph, Judas and Simon? Aren't his sisters here with us?" And they took offense at him. 4Jesus said to them, "Only in his hometown, among his relatives and in his own house is a prophet without honor." 5He could not do any miracles there, except lay his hands on a few sick people and heal them. 6And he was amazed at their lack of faith.

Jesus Sends Out the Twelve
Then Jesus went around teaching from village to village. 7Calling the Twelve to him, he sent them out two by two and gave them authority over evil[ spirits. 8These were his instructions: "Take nothing for the journey except a staff—no bread, no bag, no money in your belts. 9Wear sandals but not an extra tunic. 10Whenever you enter a house, stay there until you leave that town. 11And if any place will not welcome you or listen to you, shake the dust off your feet when you leave, as a testimony against them." 12They went out and preached that people should repent. 13They drove out many demons and anointed many sick people with oil and healed them.

I understand this passage. I teach teens... and often they do not listen or even show an interest in listening. Their faces say without words, "Who is this old person who thinks she can speak anything into my life?!" But it is comforting that even Jesus is unable to do things because of a lack of faith. This was uplifting.

Then I felt the Holy Spirit say but what about when I come to you and find you not or unwilling to listen. OUCH but so true. I ponder about my own life and the lack of faith that resides in me. It is scary. Do I resist God so that He is unable to move in or through my life? This has been a question I have been avoiding for months as I am not sure I want to know the answer or that I already do but do not want to face the solution. Sigh...

The call of God many times in the Bible and especially in this passage is to let go of possesions and status and go where I tell. Your relatives and long time friends may think you are out of your mind... NO FAMILY UNDERSTANDING. Take nothing abut a staff - no food... NO FOOD. Rely on others for hospitality... NO HOUSE. Leave when you are not welcome... NO HOME. Preach repentence... NO FRIENDS (kidding). Drive out demons and heal the sick... Well this part is pretty cool but I have yet to see it. Yet if you do manage to do it there is NO HIDING. You will become known and watched and analysed and criticised and gossiped about.
I heard this man preach named Shane Claibourne. He has given his whole life to God somewhat like Mother Theresa. He has chosen to live with the homeless and be imprisoned with and for them. He has served the dying to return their dignity. He has travelled and stayed in Iraq to offer families there some fun and relief from the war. His life is extraoridinary to me but it stings me as well. I have a DVD of him speaking and I have watched it too many times to count. I feel challenged and scared and so uncertain about what I am doing and what I should be doing, etc... in a good way though BUT STILL SCARY.

Am i willing to walk away from my career as a fisher person which is comfortbale and supports my needs to serve Him more freely? Give up the comfort of family, house, home, friends and possessions to follow him? Or am I the rich young ruler who wanted to follow but not at the full cost? These are tough questions for me. I want to be involved in meaning and true passion for God's kingdom. I know there is joy there that none of the above could produce. I want to say YES with all my heart. There is another part of me that says NO at the same time. That means letting go of safety and maybe being responsible (atleast in worldy terms)... the safety of having money to pay for rent, food and my car... the safety of having people's approval and not feeling scorn... the safety of being able to provide for myself. Giving up that safety to fully rely on God as it says in Matthew 6...

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

I am willing to give some of my life. I have given up home, family and friends. I am not sure I can give up the financial security though. This pains me because it feels like a barrier. Is it an unhealthy tie to things that are not eternal? There is always frustration when you hold on when you need to let go. AHHHHHH. I guess I will be journeying a while with this one as no true peaceful answer seems to be flashing ahead of me.

ok I had to leave for a few hours..

Super side note: I had a meeting with a youth pastor that I am mentoring! I loved it. I always love encouarging and challenging people while still doing the same to me. YAY! God you know this about me and made me this way. How can I do this more?

Oh and another thing... Faye sent me these two things to compare and contemplate so I need to post it here...

First Day of the Rest of Your Life - MXPX
Not a lot right now makes sense to me.And I won't go quietly. Not a lot right now makes sense to me.And I won't sit patiently.I'm gonna chase my dreams and catch up to them.I'm gonna find you somehow, someway, somewhere, someday.First day of the rest of our lives.I miss you already.The last time I'll see that look in your eyes.I miss you already.First day of the rest of our lives.I miss you already.The last time I'll see that look in your eyes.I miss you already.
I don't wanna spend the rest of my life alone.Where's life taking me?I don't wanna spend the rest of my life aloneAlways travelling.I'm gonna chase my dreams and catch up to them.I'm gonna find you somehow, someway, somewhere, someday.I wanna love my job.I wanna love my life.But most of all I wanna fall in love.

and...

Jeremiah 1
1 The words of Jeremiah son of Hilkiah, one of the priests at Anathoth in the territory of Benjamin. 2 The word of the LORD came to him in the thirteenth year of the reign of Josiah son of Amon king of Judah, 3 and through the reign of Jehoiakim son of Josiah king of Judah, down to the fifth month of the eleventh year of Zedekiah son of Josiah king of Judah, when the people of Jerusalem went into exile.
The Call of Jeremiah
4 The word of the LORD came to me, saying,
5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew [a] you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
6 "Ah, Sovereign LORD," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child."
7 But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.
9 Then the LORD reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, "Now, I have put my words in your mouth. 10 See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant."
11 The word of the LORD came to me: "What do you see, Jeremiah?" "I see the branch of an almond tree," I replied.
12 The LORD said to me, "You have seen correctly, for I am watching [b] to see that my word is fulfilled."
13 The word of the LORD came to me again: "What do you see?" "I see a boiling pot, tilting away from the north," I answered.
14 The LORD said to me, "From the north disaster will be poured out on all who live in the land. 15 I am about to summon all the peoples of the northern kingdoms," declares the LORD. "Their kings will come and set up their thrones in the entrance of the gates of Jerusalem; they will come against all her surrounding walls and against all the towns of Judah.
16 I will pronounce my judgments on my people because of their wickedness in forsaking me, in burning incense to other gods and in worshiping what their hands have made.
17 "Get yourself ready! Stand up and say to them whatever I command you. Do not be terrified by them, or I will terrify you before them. 18 Today I have made you a fortified city, an iron pillar and a bronze wall to stand against the whole land—against the kings of Judah, its officials, its priests and the people of the land. 19 They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.

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2006-12-12T21:47:00.000-08:00

One Week! I want to see my people!